I'm riding the ponies outside WalMart. Be back when I run out of quarters.

Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.

I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.

Take a few chances you wish you had later, live life a little more, fear a little less, and remember, When life gives you lemons, throw them back and tell life to MAKE ITS OWN DAMN LEMoNADE!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some Marijuana. Jack got high and dropped his fly and said do you wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot her pill and then they had a son.

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Checking away messages. It's like stalking, but no one knows you are doing it. I even have people's names on my buddy list that I don't know, but I hear they have really good away messages. Some people really put their all into away messages. There are the people who document their every move: "I am taking a shower, but when I get out, I am going to pee, shave, and then iron my pants. Call me if you need me before I go to the mall at 2pm." Then there's the creative one: "I am away from my computer right now." And of course there's that one from the really cool guy: "Yo its friday night, I am drunk, and not sittin up lookin at away messages" Funny how that guy never seems to go idle.

Mickey Divorces Minnie Judge: Mickey you can't divorce Minnie on the account that she's silly. Mickey: I didn't say she was silly, I said she was f**king Goofy!!

I was planning to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiney...

How can you keep an idiot busy? Click Here to find out...

I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive...But suicide's a crime :-/